Doctrine and Covenants: Absurdities

Section 1

This is the preface of my [the Lord's] book of commandments. 1:6
The Lord is angry and his sword is bathed (in blood). 1:13
So I (the Lord) spoke to Joseph Smith, Jun. from heaven, giving him my commandments. 1:17
I am God and these are my commandments. 1:24
I [God] gave Joseph Smith, Jun. the power to translate the Book of Mormon. 1:29

Section 2

I [the Lord] will reveal to you [Joseph Smith] the priesthood, by the hand of Elijah. 2:1
Otherwise, the earth would be destroyed when he came. 2:3

Section 3

Martin Harris is called a wicked man (for losing the first 116 pages of the "sacred" Book of Mormon). 3:12

Section 4

A marvelous work (and a wonder) 4:1-7
The "marvelous work" is, of course, the Book of Mormon.

Section 5

My servant Martin Harris would like to see the plates that you [Joseph Smith] received from me [the Lord]. 5:1
If Martin Harris humbles himself sufficiently and bows down to me, I might let him see them. 5:24

Section 6

A great and marvelous work is coming. 6:19
You're Oliver [Cowdery]. If you treasure these words in your heart, I'll encircle you in the arms of my love. 6:20
I'm going to let you [Oliver Cowdery] translate, just like my servant Joseph. 6:25
Much of my gospel has been hidden by wicked people. 6:26
You [Oliver Cowdery] and Joseph (but mostly Joseph) are going to reveal these hidden scriptures. 6:27

Section 7

The Lord said to me, "John, my beloved, what do you want? I'll give you whatever you'd like."

I [John] said to him, "I'd like to live forever."

Jesus said to me, "Okay, you'll live until I return in all my glory."

I'll make you like a flaming fire and an angel. 7:1-6

Section 8

Oliver Cowdery, you'll receive knowledge whatever you ask for, including knowledge about the engravings. 8:1
I Jesus] will put things in your [Oliver Cowdery's] mind and heart, by the Holy Ghost. 8:2
Whatever you [Oliver Cowdery] ask me [Jesus] to tell you, I'll tell you. 8:9
You [Oliver Cowdery] will be able to translate the ancient records. 8:11

Section 9

I [Jesus] say to you [Oliver Cowdery]:

Because you didn't translate what you wanted to translate, I'll only allow you to be Joseph Smith's scribe.

But someday I'll let you translate some other things. 9:1-2
Because you didn't continue translating, I've taken away your translating privileges. 9:5
Don't whine. It's wise for me to deal with you this way. 9:6
Here's the way to make a decision: Think about it. Then ask me if it's right. If it's right, I'll make your bosom burn, so you'll feel that it's right. 9:8
But if it's not right, you won't have these good feelings. And you'll forget about it. That way, you'll only write sacred things from me. 9:9
If you had known this, you could have translated. But it's not expedient for you to translate now. 9:10

Section 10
Now Satan has inspired them to change the words tha you translated. 10:10
They'll say, we'll see if God has given him the power to translate. If so, he should be albe to do it again. But they will have altered the words, so the translations won't match. And they'll say that he lied and has no gift of translation. 10:16-18
You won't translate again from the same plates that you had before. That way they can't accuse you of lying about your ability to translate, and you won't be caught contradicting yourself. 10:30-31
you will translate from the plates of Nephi until you come to the reign of King Benjamin, or until you come to that that you previously translated. 10:41
You'll publish this as the record of Nephi. That way I'll confound those who have altered my words. That will show everyone that I [Jesus] am more cunning than the devil. 10:42-43
I'm Jesus Christ, the Son of God. 10:57

Section 11

A great and marvelous work is coming soon 11:1
Study my word ... which is now translating. 11:22
You're Hyrum. I'm Jesus. 11:23-28

Section 12

A great and marvelous work is coming soon 12:1-9

Section 13

John the Baptist who conferred the priesthood on Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery - under the direction of the apostles Peter, James, and John - on May 15, 1829.
They'll have the priesthood of Aaron until the sons of Levi sacrifice animals again in the temple. 13:1

Section 14

A great and marvelous work is coming soon. 14:1
I'm God. I'm Jesus. And you're David. 14:2-11

Section 15

God's arm is all over the earth. 15:2
I [God] tell you [John Whitmer] things that no one knows except for me and you. 15:3

Section 16

God's arm is all over the earth. 16:2
I [God] tell you [Peter Whitmer] things that no one knows except for me and you. 16:3

Section 17

You [Oliver Cowdery, David Whitmer, and Martin Harris] must believe what I say.

If you do, you'll see the plates, breastplate, the sword of Laban, the Urim and Thummim (which were given to the brother of Jared when he talked to the Lord face to face), and the miraculous directors (which were given to Lehi while in the wilderness on the shore of the Red Sea). 17:1

Section 18

If you don't know the name that you'll be called by, you'll have no place in my father's kingdom. 18:25

Section 19

I [Jesus] am endless, so the punishment that I give is endless. Endless is my name. 19:10
Keep the commandments that Joseph Smith, Jun. has given you. 19:13
Repent, or Jesus will smite you with the rod in his mouth. 19:15
The Book of Mormon is Jesus's word to the Gentiles, Jews, and the Lamanites (who are remnants of the Jews) not to look for a Messiah to come who has already come. 19:27

Section 20

The Church of Christ [1] was founded in the last days, in accordance with the laws of the United States, by the will of God, 1830 years after Jesus was born, on 6 April 1830. 20:1
The commandments were given to Joseph Smith, Jun., an apostle of Jesus and the first elder of the church. And to Oliver Cowdery, another apostle of Jesus, and the second elder of the church. 20:2-3
God sent an angel to visit Joseph Smith. The angel looked like lightning, with white clothes that were whiter than white.

The angel gave him commandments, and the power to translate the Book of Mormon. 20:6-8
These things are in accordance with the revelations of John, neither adding to, nor diminishing from the prophecies of his book.

Of course everything in the Book of Mormon and other Mormon scriptures adds to the things in the Book of Revelation and in the Bible. 20:35

"If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book." Revelation 22:18

Section 21
You [Joseph Smith] will be a seer, translator, prophet, apostle, and elder. 21:1
Listen his [Joseph Smith's] words like they were coming from my [God's] own mouth. 21:5
God will bless everyone who believes Joseph Smith's words. 21:9

Section 22
I [God] have done away with all the old covenants. This is a new and everlasting covenant, like it was from the beginning. 22:1
Even if you were baptized a hundred times, it would be worthless. 22:2
It's because of your dead works that I've made this last covenant. So enter at the gate, and don't tell God what to do. 22:3-4

Section 23

A few words to Oliver, Hyrum, Samuel, and two Josephs 23:1-7

Section 24

"Behold, thou [Joseph Smith] wast called and chosen to write the Book of Mormon." 24:1

So Joseph Smith wrote the Book of Mormon. God said so himself!
After you [Joseph Smith] have sowed your fields, go to the churches in Colesville, Fayette, and Manchester. They will support you financially, and I'll bless them for it. 24:3
Thou shalt devote all thy service in Zion. 24:7

Zion is a goofy catch-all name for Mormonism.
Your strength is not in physical labor. You [Joseph Smith] are called to preach and lead the church. 24:9
Don't do miracles, except when I command you - except for these: cast out devils, and heal the sick. And you won't be hurt by poisonous snakes or deadly poison. But only do miracles when requested. 24:13-14
Whoever tries to sue you in court will be cursed by the law. 24:17
Don't take anything with you; the church will immediately provide whatever you need. 24:18

Section 25

Listen to me [God] when I speak to you, Emma Smith. 25:1
If you are good and faithful, I'll let you live, and you'll get an inheritance in Zion. 25:2
You're an elect lady. 25:3
It'll be your job to select hymns. I like to have hymns in church. 25:11
My soul delights in songs. It's a blessing on their heads. 25:12

Section 27

Listen to Jesus. It doesn't matter what you eat or drink in the sacrament. But here's a commandment that I give to you: Don't buy wine or strong drink from your enemies. Make your own wine and strong drinks. 27:1-4
Jesus will drink wine with you, Moroni, Elias, Elijah, Joseph, Michael (aka Adam), and many others, some who were out of this world. 27:5-14
So gird up your loins so you can withstand the evil day. Amen. 27:15-18

Section 28
I [God] say to you, Oliver [Cowdery], that whatever you teach the church is okay with me. But only Joseph Smith, Jun. receives revelations and commandments from me - just like Moses did. 28:1-2
You [Oliver Cowdery] must obey the commandments and believe the revelations that I give to him. And don't tell Joseph Smith what to do. 28:3-6
I've given him [Joseph Smith] the keys to the mysteries and revelations, and only he will have them until I appoint someone else to replace him. 28:7
I'm sending you [Oliver Cowdery] to preach to the Lamanites. You'll have some revelations, but no commandments. 28:8
No one knows where the city of Zion will be built, but it'll be somewhere near the Lamanites. 28:9
Tell Hiram Page that I didn't write the tings that were written from that stone. Satan deceived him. 28:11
Keep your mouth open all the time. Amen. 28:16

Section 29

Listen to the voice of Jesus, the great I am. 29:1
Soon I [Jesus] will burn all the wicked people. Then I'll reveal myself and dwell on earth for a thousand years. 29:9-11
After that, a trumpet will sound, the earth will quake, and dead bodies will come alive. 29:13
And the sun will darken, the moon will turn into blood, and stars will fall. 29:14
When the thousand years are over, and people begin to deny God, I'll spare the earth for a while. 29:22
Then the end will come, heaven and earth will be destroyed, and there'll be a new heaven and earth. 29:23
But not a hair or a mote will be lost, because I made them. 29:25
Before the earth is destroyed, Michael my archangel will blow his trumpet, and all the dead people will come forth. 29:26
The righteous dead will be on my right side, and the wicked on my left. 29:27
The devil existed before Adam and rebelled against me, along with one-third of the heavenly ghosts. And they were thrust down to hell. 29:36-37
The devil had to tempt people or they couldn't be free. If you can't taste the bitter things, you can't taste the sweet. 29:39
And that's all I have to say about that. Amen. 29:50

Section 30

I [God] say to you David [Whitmer] that you haven't paid enough attention to me and those who have been set over you [Joseph Smith]. You shall stay at your father's house until I give you further commandments. Amen. 30:1-4
Any you, Peter [Whitmer], you will go with Oliver [Cowdery] to preach to the Lamanites [Native Americans]. Amen. 30:5-8
And you, John [Whitmer], you will stay at your brother Philip Burroughs' house. Amen. 30:9-11

Section 31

Thomas [B. Marsh], you're blessed because you have faith in my work. I'll bless you and your family. Someday they'll all belong to my church. 31:1-2
You're going on a mission to preach the things I revealed to Joseph Smith, Jun. 31:3-4
These words aren't the words of men, but of me, Jesus. Amen. 31:13

Section 32

Parley P. Pratt will join Oliver Cowdery and Peter Whitmer, Jun. on their mission to the Lamanites. 32:1-2
Ziba Peterson will also go along, as will I, Jesus. 32:3
But let none of them pretend to receive any revelations. Anen. 32:4-5

Section 33

Ezra [Thayre] and Northrop [Sweet], preach to this crooked and perverse generation. 32:1-2
This is the last time I'm going to ask anyone to do that. 32:3
No one does anything good anymore, except for a few. Their minds have all been corrupted by priestcrafts. 32:4
Open your mouths and they will be filled. 32:8, 10
I gave you the Book of Mormon for your instruction. 16
Get ready for the coming of the bridegroom. Because I come quickly. Amen. 17-18

Section 34

This is what Jesus has to say to you, Orson [Pratt]. You are blessed because you believe. And even more blessed because I'm telling you to preach to this perverse and crooked generation. 1-6
I'll soon be coming in a cloud. It'll be a great day. 7-8
But before I come, the sun will darken, the moon will turn into blood, the stars won't shine, and some of them will fall. And the wicked will be destroyed. 9
If you are faithful, I'll be with you until I come. And I come quickly. Amen. 11-12/a>

Section 35

Sidney [Rigdon], I give you a commandment: baptize people. 1-6
I am God and my arm isn't shortened. 8
Whoever asks me in my name can cast out devils, heal the sick, blind, deaf, dumb, and lame. 9
Those without faith will drink the wine of the wrath of fornication. 11
It's time for me [Jesus] to come. 15
I [Jesus] have sent my gospel to Joseph [Smith]. 17
I [Jesus] give you [Sidney Rigdon] a commandment: write for him [Joseph Smith]. 20
I [Jesus] come quickly. Amen. 27

Section 36

Edward [Partridge], preach my gospel with the voice of a trump. 1
I'll lay my hand on you with the hand of Sidney Rigdon. 2
Preach, saying this: "Come out of the fire, hating your garments that are spotted with the flesh." 5-6
I'm Jesus, so gird up your loins and I'll suddenly come to my temple. Amen. 8

Section 37

Here is wisdom: Choose for yourself until I [Jesus] come. Amen. 4

Section 38

Thus says Jesus, the great I am. 1
I've kept dead wicked people chained up in the darkness until the end of the earth. Wo, wo, wo is their doom. 5-6
I see you, but you can't see me. 7
Gird up your loins. 9
All flesh is corrupted. ... All flesh is mine. 11-16
The earth is my footstool, so I'm going to stand on it. 17
Someday I'll be your king. Then you'll have no laws but mine. 21-22
You have a secret enemy who is trying to kill you. 28
Here's a commandment for you: Go to Ohio. 32
From there, I'll tell the whole world what to do. Israel will be saved. No one can stop me. 33
Here's a comandment for the church: Certain men will be appointed by the church. 34
Here's another commandment for you: Everyone must do whatever I say. 40
Be clean. Amen. 42

Section 39

Listen to Jesus, the great I am. 1
I know you, James [Covill]. 7
At this moment, your heard is right, and I've blessed your head. But you've rejected me many times before. 8-9
If you listen to me, get baptized, and call on my name, you'll receive a better blessing than you've ever had before. 10
You're not called to go east; you're called to go to Ohio. 14
If my people go to Ohio, I'll bless them more than I've ever blessed anyone else. 15
Go cry with a loud voice, saying: "The kigndom of heaven is here." 19
The end is coming, but no one knows when it will come. 21
I come quickly. Amen. 24

Section 40

Things were good between me [Jesus] and James Covel. He said he'd obey me.

But Satan tempted him and he rejected the word. So he broke our agreement.

Now I have to decide what to do to him. Amen. 1-3

Section 41

I'm God. If you listen to me, I'll give you the greatest blessing. If you don't, I'll give you the greatest cursing. 1
Here's a commandment for the chuch: Gather together and agree about my word. 2
I'll be your ruler when I come. And I come quickly. 4
Build Joseph Smith, Jun. a house. 7
Give Sidney Rigdon whatever he needs to live comfortably. 8
Here's another commandment for you: Make Edward Partridge a bishop (by the voice of the church). Amen. 9-12

Section 42

I'm Jesus, listen to me and obey me. 1
Here is the first commandment that I'm giving you:. Go forth in my name, except for Joseph Smith, Jun. and Sidney Rigdon. 4
Go forth two by two with the sound of a trump. 6
The Bible and the Book of Mormon contain the fullness of the gospel. 12
Let your clothing be plain - and homemade. 40
Sick people that don't have enough faith to be healed should not be fed by the enemy. 43
Those that die in me won't taste death. Or maybe they'll taste it, but it'll taste sweet to them. 46
Those who have faith in me will be healed and won't die. 48
Blind people who have faith will see, deaf people will hear, and lame people will leap. 49-51
If you ask me where the New Jerusalem will be, I'll tell you someday when I feel like it. 62
Watch out for those secret combinations. 64

Secret combinations in the Book of Mormon.
Don't cast out fornicators who have put away their companions. 74

Section 43

I [God] appointed him [Joseph Smith] to receive commandments and revelations from me. No one else will receive them from me. 2-3
Only Joseph Smith can appoint someone to replace himself. 4
So this is a law for you: Don't accept teachings, revelations, or commandments from anyone else. 5
If you want glory, appoint and uphold Joseph Smith, Jun. 12
And it you want the mysteries of the kingdom, give him [Joseph Smith] food, clothes, and whatever else he needs. 13
The great day is coming soon. 17
On that day, heavens and earth wiill shake, and the trump of God will say: "Get up, you saints. Stay asleep you sinners until I come again." 18
So gird up your loins. 19
I'll come when I'm ready to come. 29
The great millennium is coming. 30
Satan will be bound, then he'll be loosed. But he'll only reign for a little while, and then the earth will be destroyed by fire. 31
I'm Jesus. Be sober. Obey my commandments. Amen. 34-35

Section 44

I, the Lord, would like the elders to meet. So send out letters asking them to come. (Or invite them in some other way.) So your enemies won't have power over you. 1-5

Section 45

I'm Jesus. Listen to me. 1-10
Enoch had a city that was out of this world. 12
Jesus prophesies as in the days of old 15-40
Before the day of the Lord comes, there will be smoke and fire. 41
The sun will darken, the moon will turn to blood, and the stars will fall from heaven. Then I'll come in the clouds with all my glory. 42-44
Dead people will come to meet me in the cloud. 45
The the Lord will put his foot on the mountain and split it two, and the heavens and earth will shake. 48
Everyone will hear the Lord's voice. 49
The Jews will look at my wounds and say, "What are thowe wounds in your hands and feet?" 51
And I'll say to them, "I'm Jesus, the Son of God. These are the wounds of my crucifixion." 52
Satan will be tied up. 55
Then the parable about the ten virgins will be fulfilled. 56
And that's all I'm going to say about that, until the New Testament is translated. Then you'll know all about it. 60
So I'm giving it to you so you can translate it. 61
Soon there will be wars in your own lands. So go west. 63-64
It'll be called the New Jerusalem. The glory and the terror of the Lord will be there. It'll be called Zion. 66-67
It will be the only place on earth where people won't be fighting with each other. 69

Section 46

Conduct meetings under the direction of the Holy Spirit. 2
Allow everyone to attend your meetings, including those who don't belong to the church. 3-5
Don't be seduced by evil spirits or devils. 7
Seek the best gifts. 8
Some sick people have enough faith to be healed. And others have enough faith to heal them. 19-20
Some can work miracles, others can prophesy. Some understand spirits. 21-23
Some can speak in tongues. Others understand what people who are speaking in tongues are saying. 24-25
Amen. 33

Section 47

I [God] would like John [Whitmer] to write history. 1
He can also talk at meetings. 2
Oliver Cowdery used to write the history, but I've given him other duties. 3
Amen. 4

Section 48

Save your money so you can buy some land in the city. I'll tell you what city later. 4-5
Amen. 6

Section 49

Here is my [God's] commandment to Sidney [Rigdon], Parley [Pratt], and Leman [Copley] [1]: Go preach to the Shakers. 1
The Son of Man will come soon to put feet on his enemies. But no one knows when he'll come. 6-7
Everyone sins, except for some men that you don't know about. 8
Whoever forbids marriage is not ordained by God. 15
Whoever forbids eating meat, is not ordained of God. 18
Animals were created by God for human use. 19
The Son of Man won't be coming as a woman. 22
When the angel blows his trumpet the heavens and earth will shake and mountains will fall. 23
But before that happens, Jacob will flourish and the Lamanites will blossom. 24
And Zion will be built wherever I decide to put it. 25
So go. I'll be in front of you, behind you, and with you all the way. 26-27
I'm Jesus and I come quickly. Amen. 28

Section 50

I, the Lord, have seen abominations in the church. There are hypocrites among you. But they'll be cut off, either in life or death. 4-8
If you see a spirit that you can't understand, ask God about it. If it's not from God, you'll know it isn't from God. 31
You'll be given power over the spirit. Then say to it in a loud voice, "It isn't from God." 32
Those who hear these words from the mouth of my servant [Joseph Smith] are blessed. 36
Edward Partridge isn't justiified in this thing. 39
The day is coming when you'll see me and hear my voice. So get ready. Amen. 45-46

Section 51

I'm God, listen to me while I tell Edward Partridge how to organize the people. 1
Edward Parttridge will distribute the wealth to every man and his family according to his needs. 3
I'm Jesus, who comes quickly (when your not expecting me). Amen. 20

Section 52

This is what God says to the elders in these last days. 1
I, God, will tell you what to do until the next conference, which will be in Missouri (a land I will give to you. 2
Let Joseph Smith, Jun. and Sidney Rigdon go to Missouri as soon as possible. I'll tell them what to do (if they are faithful to me.) But if they're not faithful to me, I'll cut them off (if I feel like it). 3-6
Let them go two by two. 10
Let Lyman Wight beware, because Satan is out to get him. 12
Satan is out an about deceiving nations. 13
Since Heman Basset did something wrong, take whatever was given to him and put it on Simonds Rider's head. 37
Give Joseph Smith, Jun., Edward Partridge, and Oliver Cowdery a recommend from the church. 41
So go to Missouri, a land that I have given to you, but that your enemies now occupy. 42
I, the Lord, will hasten the city in its time. 43
I'm Jesus. Amen. 44

Section 53

I [God] say to you, Sidney Gilbert, that I heard your prayers in these last days. Become and elder and preach. You'll also be an agent for the church, and go on a journey with Joseph Smith, Jun. and Sidney Rigdon. I'll give you more instructions later. Amen. 1-7

Section 54

This is what Jesus says: Newell Knight, Leave this land, and go to Missouri to the boundaries of the Lamanites. When you get there, get a job. And patiently wait for me to come again. It won't be long. I come quickly. Amen. 1-10

Section 56

I'm God. Listen to me. I'm angry at those who rebel. They'll get to know my arm. 1
I command and revoke whenever I feel like it. 4
So I'm revoking the commandment I gave Thomas B. Marsh and Ezra Thayre. 5
I'm also revoking the commandment that I gave to Selah J. Griffin and Newll Knight. 6
Instead, Newell Knight will stay with the people in Thompson, Ohio, and lead them to Missouri after they repent. 7
Ezra Thayre must repent of his pride and selfishness, and obey the former commandment that I gave him. If he does this, he'll still get to go to Missouri. 8-9
Otherwise, the money he gave to the church will be returned to him and he'll be cut out of my church. Heaven and earth may pass away, but these words won't. 10-11
If Joseph Smith, Jun. returns the money to Ezra Thayre, then I, the Lord, will reimburse Joseph Smith in Missouri. 12
This is what I, the Lord, say to my people: You must repent because you have decided for yourselve what to do. 14
And that's all I have to say about that. Amen. 20

Section 57

I, the Lord God, have gathered you elders of the church together in Missouri, a land which I have consecrated to you. 1
This is where the city of Zion will be. 2
Here is wisdom: Independence is the center place. Build the temple on the west side, near the courthouse. 3
It is also wisdom that the all the land to the west should be purchased by the saints - to the line that divides the Jews from the Gentiles. 4
And this also is wisdom: Buy all the land in the prairies for an everlasting inheritance. 5
I've appointed Sidney Gilbert as the church's agent to buy land in all the regions round about. 6
And I've appointed Edward Partridge to distribute the land. 7
Sidney Gilbert will establish a store to get the money to buy land. 8
And here is some more wisdom: Sidney Gilbert will get a license (let he who reads this understand) to sell things. 9
William W. Phelps will be the church's printer. 11
Here is even more wisdom: William W. Phelps will obtain righteousness (for the good of the saints). 12
Oliver Cowdery will assist him with the help of the Spirit. 13
Plant all of these people, along with their families, in Zion as soon as possible. 14
I'll tell everyone else what to do later. Amen. 16

Section 58

Edward Partridge needs to repent of his unbelief. 14-15
Here is wisdom: obey my laws, which are the laws of the church. 23
If one of my commandments is disobeyed, I revoke it. Then people say to themselves, "This isn't the work of the Lord." Wo to them. They'll receive their reward from below, not above. 32-33
It's wisdom that Martin Harris is an example to the church by giving his money to the bishop of the church. Every member of the church must do the same. 35-36
It is also wisdom that the church buy land in Independence for the storehouse and a house of printing. 37
The Spirit will give Martin Harris more directions later. But he must repent for seeking the praise of the world. 38-39
I, the Lord, am not well pleased with William Phelps, because he isn't suffiently meek before me. 41
Let an agent of the church in Ohio buy lands in Zion. 49
Here's a commandment for Sidney Rigdon: write a description of the land of Zion and a statement of the will of God, as told to him by the Spirit. 50
Put all the money in the hands of the bishop or the agent to buy land. 51
The Lord wants to purchase the whole region of the country as soon as possible. Here is wisdom: If they don't do this, they won't receive any inheritance, except by bloodshed. 52-53
Take what was given to Ziba Peterson until he is suffiently chastened. Because he didn't confess his sins and tried to hide them. 60
The son of Man comes. Amen. 65

Section 59

Blessed are thos who keep an eye on my glory. 1
Blessed are those whose feet stand on Zion. 3
They'll get new commandments and revelations from me. 4
Don't laugh, because laughing is a sin. (But be cheerful.) 15
The beasts of the field, the fowls of the air, things that climb on trees and walk on the earth - they all belong to you. 16
The herbs are all to eat, make clothes, barns, orchards, gardens, or vineyards. 17
Everything was made just for you. 18
Yeah, it was made for you to eat, taste, smell, strengthen your body, or make clothes from. God made it all for you. 19-20
But you must obey the commandments. It's all there in the law and prophets, so don't bother me anymore about it. 21-22
I, the Lord, have said it. Amen. 24

Section 60

This is what the Lord says to the elders of his church: I'm glad you're here. 1
But I'm not pleased with some of you. You're afraid to open your mouths. So wo to you, because I'm angry with you. 2
If they aren't more faithful to me, I'll take away what little they have. 3
Because I, the Lord, rule the heavens above and the armies below. When I make up my jewels, everyone will know how powerful I am. 4
Now about your journey. Build a craft (I don't care what kind, whatever seems good to you) and travel to St. Louis. 5
From there, Sidney Rigdon, Joseph Smith, Jun., and Oliver Cowdery will travel to Cincinnati. 6
In Cincinnati they will shout and lift up holy hands. 7
Everyone else will leave St. Louis, two by two, to preach to the wicked. 8
Edward Partridge will give some of the money that I gave him to the elders. 10
Here's a commandment for you: Don't idle away your time while preaching to the wicked. 13
When you get to Zion, preach to the wicked. 14
Shake off the dust of from your feet and wash them, as a testimony against those who reject your preaching. (But don't do it while they're watching.) 15
Joseph Smith, Jun.'s mouth will tell Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery what to do. Then he'll tell the rest of you. Amen. 17

Section 61

It's dangerous out there on the water. And it'll be worse from now on. 4
I'm angry so I'm destroying things on the water. Especially, on this water [the Missouri River]. 5
All flesh is in my hand. If you're faithful to me you won't die on the water. 6
In the beginning I blessed the water, but now, in the last days, I (by John's mouth) curse the waters. 14
Someday no one will be safe on the water. 15
In the beginning I cursed the land, but in the last days I'll bless it. (So the saints can eat its fatness.) 17
Now I give you another commanment: Warn the others about the waters. 18
I've commanded the destroyer to ride on the water. I'll never tell him not to. 19
Gird up your loins, and look for the coming of the Son of Man. He'll come when your least expect it. 38
Pray that you'll be ready when he comes, whether you're alive or dead. Amen. 39

Section 62

Go two by two - if that seems good to you. It doesn't matter much to me. Just bear glad tidings to wicked people. 5
It's okay with me if you ride on horses, or mules, or in chariots. You'll receive a blessing from the the Lord's hand no matter what you ride on. 7

Section 63

I kill, or keep alive, whoever I want. 3
I destroy things for my own pleasure. I can even send souls to hell. 4
I'm not pleased with those of you who ask for signs and wonders. 12
Now its time for you to go to Zion. But don't hurry, or you'll be confused. And confusion causes disease. 24
I, the Lord, hold Zion in my hands. 25
I give to Ceasar the things that are Caesar's. 26
So when you get there, buy the land. You'll ether get the land by buying it or killing others for it. If you buy it, you'll be blessed. But if you kill for it, you'll be scourged from synagogue to synagogue. 27-31
I, the Lord, and angry with wicked people. I'm witholding my spirit from the people on earth. 32
When I get angry I create wars where wicked people kill each other, and everyone is afraid. 33
It'll be hard for the saints to escape. But I'll come down from heaven and save them by burning the wicked with unquenchable fire. I'm not going to do this for a while though. I'll do it by and by. 34-35
I'd like every man to have righteous hands and faithful loins. 37
Titus Billings should sell the land and go to Zion. I really don't care how much money he gets for the farm, but he should bring the money with him to Zion. 39-40
I've given Joseph Smith, Jun. the job of deciding who will go to Zion and who will stay. 41
Let Newel K. Whitney keep his store. Or in other words, keep the store for a while. But all the money he gets must be sent to Zion. 42-43
Oliver Cowdery will receive all the money. 45
Dead people that rise from the dead will never die again. 49
Those that are alive when the Lord comes, will still die at the age of man. 50
The Son of Man is coming soon. 53
He'll come to the wise and foolish virgins. His angels will pluck out the wicked and cast them into unquenchable fire. 54
I, the Lord, am not pleased with Sidney Rigdon. I don't like his writing, so he'll have to make another. If I don't like that, I'll fire him.55-56
This is a day of warning, not a day of many words. Don't mock me in these last days. 58
I'm from above and my power lies below. I'm over everything - in, out, and through it all. 59
I'm Jesus. Be careful when you say my name. 60-61
Let Joseph Smith, Jun. and Sidney Rigdon look for homes. 65
Be patient, or you'll be condemned. Amen. 66

Section 64

Joseph Smith, Jun. has the keys to the kingdom, and they will never be taken from him. 5
Edward Partridge has sinned, and Satan is trying to destroy his soul. But I'll forgive them. 17

So God is going to forgive Edward Partridge and Satan?
Sidney Gilbert should return to his business in Zion. 18
I command Isaac Morley to sell his farm. 20
But I don't want Frederick G. Williams to sell his farm. I want to have a strong hold on Kirtland for the next five years. (I won't destroy the wicked during that time.) 21
From now until the Son of Man comes is called "today". Everyone must tithe until the Son of Man comes. Those who tithe won't be burned when he comes. 23
After "today" comes the burning (I'm speaking the way the Lord speaks). "Tomorrow" I'll burn all the proud and wicked people. I won't spare anyone in Babylon. 24
Wherefore, if ye believe me, ye will labor while it is called today. 25
I don't want Newel K. Whitney and Sidney Gilbert to sell their store - until everyone here goes to Zion. 26
I forbid any of you to get in debt to your enemies. 27
The Lord takes what he wants and pays back whenever he wants. 28
You're on the Lord's errand, doing the Lord's business. 29
The rebellious aren't of the blood of Epraim, so they'll be plucked out. 36
I've made my church in these last days the judge of all nations. 37
The nations of the earth will tremble because of the church, and fear her terrible ones. I, the Lord, have said so. Amen. 43

Section 66

William E. McLellin, you are blessed for believing. But you're not quite clean. 1-3
Now I, the Lord, will tell you what I want you to do, or what I want you to do. 4
Don't go to Zion yet, but send as much money there as you can. 6
Go preach in all of the eastern synagogues. 7
Touch sick people with your hands, and they'll recover. 9
Don't commit adultery. (Which is something you have a bit of a problem with.) 10
That's what I, Jesus, your God, say to you. Amen. 13

Section 67

Behold and hearken, elders of my church. You wanted to receive my blessing, but you were afraid, so you didn't get it. 1-3
You've seen Joseph Smith, Jun. And you've heard his language and his imperfections. So select the least commandment in the Book of Commandments, and let the wisest person among you write a commandment like it. If you can do that, then you can say they aren't true. But if you can't do it, you will be condemned. 5-8

Section 68

Orson Hyde was called by the Spirit of God to preach to the wicked in their synagogues. 1
Whatever anyone says when moved by the Holy Ghost is scripture, and is the will, mind, word, voice, and power of God. 4
Literal descendants and firstborn sons of Aaron have a legal right to be bishops. 16
I'm not pleased with the inhabitants of Zion. They're lazy and their children are wicked. 31
I come quickly. Amen. 35

Section 70

All temporaal things shall be shared equally. 14

Well, it was a nice idea, but it never happened in the Mormon church.

Section 71

Confound and shame your enemies. Challenge them to public debates where they can be humiliated.7
No weapon against your will prosper. 9
I'll confound them (in my own due time). 10

Section 73

Gird us your loins and be sober. Amen. 6

Section 75

I revoke the commission that I gave to William E. McLellin to go to the eastern countries. I'm giving him a new commandment to chasten him for murmuring. 6-7
Gird up your loins. 22
Amen 36

Section 76

Listen, heaven and earth, because the Lord is God and Savior ... Hist years never fail. 1-4
We, Joseph Smith, Jun. and Sidney Rigdon on February 16, 1831 were in the spirit, when we saw things that existed before anything exisited. 11-13
We saw and talked to Jesus. 14
The Lord touched the eyes of our understanding, and we saw the glory of the Lord round about. 19
We saw angels and people worshiping God and the Lamb. 21
And we also saw Lucifer. 25
While we were in the spirit, the Lord commanded us to write down the vision of Satan, the old serpent, the devil. 28
Everyone will be saved except for the sons of perdition, who will be tormented forever. 43-44
Those who are in the resurrection of the just are gods. 50-58
They have celestial bodies, and have a glory that is like the sun, and is equal to the glory of God. 70
We saw the terrestial world. Their glory is like the moon. 71
The glory of the telestial world is like the stars - compared to the terrestrial, which is like the moon. 81
We saw the glories of the telestial, which no one can understand. 89
The occupants of the telestial world say they are of Paul, Apollos, Cephas, Christ, John, Moses, Elias, Esaias, Isaiah, and Enoch. 109
That's all we saw and were commanded to write down while we were still in the spirit. 113
hen he commanded us not to write anything else while we were in the spirit. It's against the law for anyone to say what we saw. 115
There will be more inhabitants of the telestial world than there are stars in the sky or sand on the seashore. 119
Amen. 119

Section 77

The earth is the sea of glass in Rev 4:6. 1
The four beasts in the same verse are the paradise of God, the happiness of man, creeping things, and fowls. 2
The four beasts are four individual beasts, not taxonomic ranks. 3
Their eyes are full of knowledge, their wings show they can move, act, etc. 4
The 24 elders are dead members of seven churches. They're now in God's paradise. 5
The earth will exist for a total of 7000 years. 6
Each of the seven seals represents 1000 years of the earth's history. 7
The angels in Rev 7:1 are four angels God sent to save and destroy life. 8
The angel ascending from the east in Rev 7:2 is sent by God to seal the twelve tribes. They said, "Don't hurt the trees until we've marked their foreheads." This is also Elias, if you can believe it, who was to come gather the tribes of Israel and restore all things. 9
The things in this chapter will happen in the sixth thousand year period, when the sixth seal is opened. 10
The 144,000 are high priests who were ordained by angels to bring people into the church of the Firstborn. 11
The trumpets in Rev 8 prepare and finish God's work, and mark the beginning of the 7000 years - preparing the way of his coming. 12
The things in Rev 9 will happen after the seventh seal is opened, before Christ comes. 13
The little book that John ate in Rev 10 was a mission to gather the tribes of Israel. It was also Elias, who must come to restore everything. 14
The two witnesses in Rev 11 are two prophets that will appear in the last days. They'll prophesy to the Jews after they build the city of Jerusalem. 15

Section 78

If you're not equal in earthly things, you can't be equal in heavenly things. 6
If you wan't a place in the celestial world, you have to do what I say. 7
You must do everything for my glory. 8
Newel K. Whitney, Joseph Smith, Jun., and Sidney Rigdon will sit on the council. Otherwise Satan will try to blind them. 9-10
The church must be independent and above everthying below the celestial world. 14
You will rule over many nations, says God, who has established the foundations of Adam-ondi-Ahman. 15

This place in Daviess County, Missouri is where Adam and Eve went after they left the Garden of Eden.

It is also the place where Jesus will return at the second coming.

Wikipedia: Adam-ondi-Ahman

And who has appointed Michael your prince, established his feet, and given him the keys to salvation. 16

Michael (the archangel) is Jesus, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

But he's Adam, according to the Mormons.

Do what I command you to do, says your Redeemer, the Son Ahaman. 20

The Mormon name for Jesus is Son Ahman.

Because you are the church of the Firstborn, he'll take you up in a cloud. 21
Whoever is a faithful and wise steward will inherit everything. Amen. 22

Section 79

Jared Carter should go again into the eastern countries, from place to place. 1
The Comforter will tell him where to go. 2
If he's faithful, I'll crown him with sheaves. Amen. 3-4

Section 80

Stephen Burnett: Go preach to every creature on earth. Since you'd like a companion, I'll give you Eden Smith. I don't care whether you go north, south, east, or west. You can't go wrong. Just say what you've heard and believe to be true. 1-5

Section 81

Frederick G. Williams, this is God. Listen to me 1
I've given the keys of the kingdom to Joseph Smith, Jun. They will always belong to the Presidency of the High Priesthood. I'll bless him and you. 2-3
Lift up the hands that hang down, and strenghen the feeble knees. 5
Behold, and lo, these are the words of Jesus. Amen.7

Section 82

You are all equal and have equal claims on the properties. Each man will receive what he wants and needs (if those needs are just). 17
This is an everlasting command to you and your successors. 20
Whoever disobeys this command will be given to Satan. 21
This is wisdom: make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness. 22

Section 84

The Lord's church is established in the last days. And it will gather on Mount Zion in the city of New Jerusalem. 2
The city will be built at the temple lot, appointed by the Lord's finger, and dedicated by Joseph Smith, Jun., on the western boundary of the state of Missouri. It will be created in this generation. 3-4
This generation will still be alive when a cloud will rest on the house, and the glory of the Lord will fill it. 5
Esias [Isaiah]received the priesthood from the hand of God - five or so generations before Moses. 12
Esais [Isaiah] was a contemporary of Abraham. 13
Abraham received the priesthood from Melchizedek, who received it from his fathers, all the way back to Noah. 14
Without this priesthood no one can see God and live. 22
John the Baptist was filled with the Holy Ghost in his mother's womb. He was baptized when he was a child, and was ordained to the priesthood by an angel when he was eight days old. 27-28
Everyone is condemned until they read and believe the Book of Mormon. 57
And these believers will show these things: They will cast out devils, heal the sick, cure blind and deaf people, and make dumb people speak. Poisons won't hurt them, and venomous snakes won't harm them. 65-72
Those who don't believe and aren't baptised will be damned. Condemn them for their evil unbelieving hearts. 74-76
Those who preach the gospel will never be hungry or thirsty. So don't worry about what to eat, drink, or wear for clothing. 80-81
Make no plans for the future. 84
Those who you preach to will give your clothes, food, and money. 89
If you're not welcomed, wash your feet with pure water, either hot or cold. 92
Send money to the bishop in Zion or Ohio. 104
Don't let the head say to the feet, "I don't need you." 109
Bishop Newell K. Whitney should travel around helping the poor by humbling the rich. 112
Bishop Newell K. Whitney should also go to New York, Albany, and Boston to warn them that they and their famlies will all be killed if they reject the teachings of his church. 114
If he trusts me, I'll know whenever a hair falls from his head. 116
All the rest of you should do the same: Go preach everywhere telling everyone that they will be killed if they don't believe what you say. 117
I will destroy their kingdoms and shake the earth and stars. 118
You can't see it now, but in soon I'll come and you'll see it. Amen. 119-120