Trivia:

Surah 2

THE COW (Al-Madinah)

Alcohol and gambling
Contradiction Absurdity Good Stuff 2:218-220

218 Lo! those who believe, and those who emigrate (to escape the persecution) and strive in the way of Allah, these have hope of Allah's mercy. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

219 They question thee about strong drink and games of chance. Say: In both is great sin, and (some) utility for men; but the sin of them is greater than their usefulness. And they ask thee what they ought to spend. Say: that which is superfluous. Thus Allah maketh plain to you (His) revelations, that haply ye may reflect.

If you are asked about drinking and gambling, say:

Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. [1]

But their sinfulness is greater than their usefulness.

Just try not to spend too much on things that are superfluous.

Allah makes his revelations plain so you can happily reflect.

220 Upon the world and the Hereafter. And they question thee concerning orphans. Say: To improve their lot is best. And if ye mingle your affairs with theirs, then (they are) your brothers. Allah knoweth him who spoileth from him who improveth. Had Allah willed He could have overburdened you. Allah is Mighty, Wise.

Help orphans.

Marriage
Intolerance Women 2:221

221 Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire, and Allah inviteth unto the Garden, and unto forgiveness by His grace, and expoundeth His revelations to mankind that haply they may remember.

Don't marry a non-muslim idolatress, because female muslim slave is better than an idolatress, no matter how much she pleases you.

And don't give your daughters to a non-muslim idolaters.

Invite them to the fire instead.

Menstruation
Women Sex 2:222

222 They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times and go not in unto them till they are cleansed. And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah hath enjoined upon you. Truly Allah loveth those who turn unto Him, and loveth those who have a care for cleanness.

When they ask you (Muhammad) about menstruation, say:

Menstruation is an illness, so stay away from menstruating women.

Don't have sex with them until they are cleansed and purified. Then have sex with them as Allah commands.

Sex
Sex Women 2:223-225

223 Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will, and send (good deeds) before you for your souls, and fear Allah, and know that ye will (one day) meet Him. Give glad tidings to believers, (O Muhammad).

Your women are like a field for your to plow and cultivate.

Have sex with them whenever you please. (Unless they're menstruating, that is.)

224 And make not Allah, by your oaths, a hindrance to your being righteous and observing your duty unto Him and making peace among mankind. Allah is Hearer, Knower.

225 Allah will not take you to task for that which is unintentional in your oaths. But He will take you to task for that which your hearts have garnered. Allah is Forgiving, Clement.

Don't make oaths to All that hinder world peace.

Divorce
Women Injustice Absurdity 2:226-242

226 Those who forswear their wives must wait four months; then, if they change their mind, lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

227 And if they decide upon divorce (let them remember that) Allah is Hearer, Knower.

If you decide you don't want to have sex anymore with one of your wives, wait four months.

Maybe you'll change your mind.

228 Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.

Women may not have sex for three months after getting a divorce.

If they skip one of their periods, they must not hide it.

If they pass that test, their ex-husbands might take their wives back again.

Women have rights similar to men. But men are better than women.

229 Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers.

A woman can only be divorced and remarried by the same husband twice. If she is divorced a thrid time, the divorce is final.

But she can ransom herself. [2]

230 And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge.

If a man divorces a wife for the third time, he can't remarry her until after she has married another man.

Then if she divorces her new husband, the old husband can marry her for the third time.

231 When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing-stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things.

After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them.

Just don't make Allah a laughing-stock.

232 And when ye have divorced women and they reach their term, place not difficulties in the way of their marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believeth in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and cleaner. Allah knoweth; ye know not.

If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, let your ex-wives get married again.

It's cleaner that way. Allah knows; you don't.

233 Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No-one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provide that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do.

Mothers should nurse their babies for two whole years (unless they decide not to).

And you can pay some other woman do it for you if you want. Whatever.

234 Such of you as die and leave behind them wives, they (the wives) shall wait, keeping themselves apart, four months and ten days. And when they reach the term (prescribed for them) then there is no sin for you in aught that they may do with themselves in decency. Allah is informed of what ye do.

235 There is no sin for you in that which ye proclaim or hide in your minds concerning your troth with women. Allah knoweth that ye will remember them. But plight not your troth with women except by uttering a recognised form of words. And do not consummate the marriage until (the term) prescribed is run. Know that Allah knoweth what is in your minds, so beware of Him; and know that Allah is Forgiving, Clement.

236 It is no sin for you if ye divorce women while yet ye have not touched them, nor appointed unto them a portion. Provide for them, the rich according to his means, and the straitened according to his means, a fair provision. (This is) a bounden duty for those who do good.

237 If ye divorce them before ye have touched them and ye have appointed unto them a portion, then (pay the) half of that which ye appointed, unless they (the women) agree to forgo it, or he agreeth to forgo it in whose hand is the marriage tie. To forgo is nearer to piety. And forget not kindness among yourselves. Allah is Seer of what ye do.

238 Be guardians of your prayers, and of the midmost prayer, and stand up with devotion to Allah.

239 And if ye go in fear, then (pray) standing or on horseback. And when ye are again in safety, remember Allah, as He hath taught you that which (heretofore) ye knew not.

240 (In the case of) those of you who are about to die and leave behind them wives, they should bequeath unto their wives a provision for the year without turning them out, but if they go out (of their own accord) there is no sin for you in that which they do of themselves within their rights. Allah is Mighty, Wise.

241 For divorced women a provision in kindness: a duty for those who ward off (evil).

After you die, your wives can't have sex for four months and ten days.

After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for you (you're dead, remember?) if they have sex again.

242 Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations so that ye may understand.

Allah is telling you this so you can understand.